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If you hadn’t experienced your past, you can’t fully appreciate your life now. Some are born silver spooned, others in squalor, and a million in between… but all people fight their battles. Everyone has a story. I’ve always kept journals. I adore them. I fill them full to the brim of random sentences, funky quotes, my blessings, and my tribulations. Because looking back over them, helps me to see where I am, where I am from, and where I am going. They are my compass. Proof to me, that I have not been idle when my memory leaves me questioning what I’m doing.

Random little bits that make me who I am. I am very reflective lately. Grateful of where I am now.

Journal reflections… of another life time.

WINGS
I hear my thoughts echo through this empty house,
Unspoken words explode around me as I walk,
The tears burn my eyes,
As I finally let them fall.
I run my hands down the wall,
Hear echoed children’s rushing feet and their giggles of days passed.
I’m attacked with paranoia that I’m wrong.
Stopping in the doorway
I look where the bed should be.
I only see the broken door frame
The beaten walls
The room cries out secrets it can’t tell a soul.
Screams of time passed ring in my ears.
I see you there.
In my mind.
Face red, angry
Hands bleeding
Words pounding.

I feel small.
I can’t get by,
I start to agree
With all that you say.
Heart pounding,
I want to fly from here
I want to fly from here
I want to fly from here

 

Random
Somewhere from inside this shade of gray I can see a rainbow in the distance and every step I take out from the dark is one less tear falling from the sky.

Random 2
Always wanting more.
With you all that is forgotten.
I wake satisfied with the day before it even begins,
When I wake next to you.

Dearest Hailey, October 13, 2003
My dearest daughter, so many things I say to you, I know you will never remember. The weight that my inexperience has put on your two-year old shoulders is enormous. I love your curiosity of every little thing. You are always wanting to help me, and your constantly concerned with what is happening with your new little sister. I hope you realize how special you are to me. I know I’ve put a lot on your shoulders my dear oldest daughter…. so from one oldest daughter to another, let me tell you, our bond will never break. There will one day be an understanding, unlike anything else you can share with another person. I love you sweet baby. Your mommy.

 

 

Russell, December 2005
The strength of our connection after just a few short months leaves me speechless and terrified. Never have I been so challenged by and crazy about anyone. You seem to always have whatever it is I am looking for on hand, from chap stick to silly other items. It just seems to be a completion factor of some odd realm. You always have what I need. I find I’m constantly looking for you and giddy over the next time I will see you. You’ve blown through my walls I have created around myself since my last giant life failure. Could it be? Is this as it appears? I fight the things rolling through my mind. I hope your dreams are sweet tonight, as I fight the urge to drive 60 miles at 10 pm to see you. Good night my darling.

 

Now it is 2011…. the reflections I am watching dance on the water. I’m giddy with excitement for the future, but also trying to really relax in the NOW. I think I will just sit here for a moment, and be thankful. I have so much to appreciate.

 

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