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Readers Beware: This is a look into my life that few have ever seen or even know about. If you are shocked by what you will learn, just know that I have come far since then, but the reasons I am writing about it now are all personal. It’s not for attention or pity, I am not accepting any of that. I am who I am today because of the things that have happened in my life. 

Once we received our orders to California, we were both ecstatic and ready to go. We packed our vehicles with everything that we owned and set out on a cross country adventure. We spent time in my home town in Florida and then made our way to his home town in Colorado. From there we headed west towards the Pacific. California was amazing and a great start for two kids in love.

Less than 3 weeks after we arrived I responsibly made my appointment to put myself on birth control. We were both in the middle of our training on the flight line (we were aircraft maintenance) when I went to my appointment. Instead of telling me which kind of pill would work for me, the doctor told me Congratulations. I was confused. You are about three weeks pregnant, the doctor told me. I felt ill. I stuttered and stammered my reasoning for the appointment.

I left the hospital and drove for hours before making my way home.  Tears pouring down my face, I knew that this would destroy my military career. I couldn’t fix planes pregnant. How did this happen? We were so careful. I sat at the bottom of the steps and cried waiting for him to come home from work. As I worded what I would say carefully in my mind, panic of being abandoned crept along inside my head. I never in a million years expected him to be happy. He was. He hugged me and felt my stomach and told me how excited he was. His joy was not shared or was it all that long lived.

As expected once my squadron found out that I was pregnant, they pulled me from my job and stuck me behind a desk. My trainers looked down on me when they saw me, and said it was a shame. I felt the shame. I was covered in it. I was angry at the baby and angry at God. This year had been a giant fucking mess. My goal to be a successful woman in the military was being shot apart… one sexual encounter at a time.  We worked in different squadrons and on different shifts, so when I would go over to his squadron to meet him for lunch, his supervisors were all very supportive and happy for our new addition to the family. It was 180 degrees out from how my squadron was treating me.

I internally shut down and became cold towards him. I hated how he got to keep doing his job, and he got the baby, it seemed his life was perfect while mine was falling apart. My anger and jealousy towards him began to take its toll on our relationship. I was the one dealing with the hormones, the morning sickness, the odd cravings… and I was dealing with it alone, because by this time he was working night shift. I would have terrible nightmares and wake up crying with no one to talk to. My family was 3000 miles away in Florida. My pity party for myself was never ending.

All of that changed the first time I felt the baby move. The first time I felt the fluttering roll across my tummy I was shocked. I sat there perfectly still waiting for another move. It happened again. Then again. I began to realize that the baby was something that I was in fact in charge of. My body was developing and containing this wonderful little creation and I was the only one that could really experience this baby at this point