The second time I found Faith with her face covered to muffle her cries I threw the bull shit flag. Her little 4 month old body was face down on the couch with pillows stacked on top of her. She could barely turn her face and again I found her in a hot frenzy of explosive crying and panic.
I quit my job that night. I called and said I couldn’t make it because I didn’t have a babysitter. Which, sadly… was true. He stayed upstairs playing video games, and I stayed downstairs playing with the girls.
I had made up my mind. I was going to spend some time in Florida. I NEEDED to go home. The cheapest flight I could book was 2 months out… 2 whole months of waiting. I had no idea that time could stretch into these gaping holes of nothingness. God. Did. It.
During this time his car broke down, so he just took mine. He would go to work, go have a beer afterwards, come home whenever he felt like it. I would spend the day without a vehicle or any money. The gray of England was eating away at my soul. The word England soured in my stomach and made me violently ill. I wanted to dump the Queen’s tea and never look back on this land. I had built a hatred, because of him, to a place I had once dreamt of exploring. (As a side note to all of my British readers, because I know there are several of you… I no longer hate England :P).
As the months came to a close the fighting became uncontrollable. I spent many nights in Hailey’s bed with her and Faith. I had no qualms anymore. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t in anything. I felt nothing. Except TIRED. I felt a lot of tired. Matter of fact, it probably bordered exhausted. I had nothing to say. My voice had been silenced.
I dreamt of Puerto Rico and the fun I had with him. I missed him terribly and despite the guilt that plagued my heart over him I was always grateful for my moment in time with him. I dreamt of my High School best friend Stuart and us laughing hanging out. I dreamt of people who knew me and loved me for who I was and enjoyed my company most when I was completely myself.
After what felt like eternity…The day finally came for the girls and me to fly out. He drove us to the airport, hugged the kids and said goodbye to me, he would see me in June. It was March. I nodded and without further farewell, we were off. Our flights were smooth and easy and within no time we had landed in Pensacola Florida, where my family was waiting. I could feel myself relaxing as I left all the anger in the air somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen could keep England as far as I was concerned. I WAS HOME.