Tags

, , ,


I tried to keep an open mind. I was doing the right thing after all. The Christian thing. I was going to make my marriage work. What a great person I was. Mother Teresa had nothing on me. So honorable. I was nauseous. When Heathrow airport laid out underneath me, I wanted to parachute out, pull the fire alarm, crash the plane, claw the eyes out of everyone sitting around me… are you following me dear reader?

I have no idea what on earth possessed me to go back to England except this underlying need to do what was “right”. But there he was waiting for us when we got off the plane. He had brought the girls teddy bears and greeted me with warm smiles and hugs. My defenses crashed down on me, God I was such a jerk. I wanted to be with the boy next door so badly that I was sabotaging this poor guy, my poor poor husband! What a lousy person I am!

The first week we were back was a fairytale… if I hadn’t seen the “unicorn” with my own eyes… I would scream that you were a liar and run the other direction. He was that great to me.  It was strange. Then the moment the second week started all chaos returned. He stayed out extremely late after work, came home to play computer, eat and retreat into his shell..

When he left for work the next day I called the boy next door. It was 2 am in Florida, but I had to talk to him. When he answered the phone I didn’t have to say anything, he just told me that he would wait and to calm down. I laid on the floor in the living room as he told me how beautiful I was and how much he missed me. My stomach twisted in knots. What in the hell was I doing in England? Who was I here for? As if on cue Hailey came down the stairs dressed in teddy bear pajamas rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

Every five seconds I had a change of heart. My internal being would not be still. I could not hear anything in my head through all the noise. Yet I knew some part of me was sitting locked away somewhere screaming for freedom. Someone must set me free. At this point, I looked to be my only option.

Advertisements