This is a continuation from: WHEN IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWN

When I left the doctors office that day, my world was spinning around me. Nothing was touching my heart, my soul was numb. I was a treasoner in my own body. All the things I thought I believed, they were hissing at me from behind some unseen wall.

I drove from Pensacola across the 3 mile bridge, where the sunlight bounces off the water in one of the most glorious displays imaginable and I saw nothing. I made it back to the safety of my bedroom and fell apart. The tears fell until my eyes would hardly open. But the day didn’t stop just for me. The clock on the wall kept going, and I knew I had to as well. If you jump off the train, it’s over… and over just isn’t an option.

I picked up the girls from daycare, still in my daze of numb. There weren’t words. There was just a void. The radio seemed full of useless whining as the reality of my day began to pull me into oblivion.

My phone rang, startling me. It was the boy next door. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. His beautiful green eyes were all I could see. His eyes in the eyes of my child. The one I would never know. The phone rang again. Then again. Then again.

It rang for 3 days. I never answered it. He came by my house… I couldn’t see him.

A week later I was driving to work, the phone rang… I waited until I was crossing a bridge, rolled down the window and tossed the phone out into the dark cold water. All I could see was his eyes. They sank to the bottom of the river, but I could no longer see them because I never slowed down.