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Okay I am about to whine… and make fun of myself. If you aren’t up for it… you should probably close this page.

I am three weeks post operation on my jaw. They had to go in and break it, extend it, put screws in it, and now I am healing. This surgery is all part of my orthodontist’s plan to help heal my TMJ that I have had since childhood.

This is not my actual Monday Face...

Lots of people go through this. I feel like a wuss for being whiney. But truth of the matter is, as a woman… I didn’t realize how completely superficialself-indulgent…. conceited… pathetic I am about my face. Realization of this of course makes me feel like a total ass. It’s not as if I looked like Sandra Bullock before and now I am one of the chicks from Alvin and the Chipmunks.  But man, I feel like everyone is staring at my face now… going… WTF happened to her?

This look isn't working for me... although it's really cute on them.

It is causing… serious self-consciousness about my mouth. It’s hard enough to eat on my own… forget about being in a restaurant full of normal people. I feel like a 6 month old with a spoon. Ew.

I now occasionally spit when I talk… but only when it is the worst possible timing. Otherwise the spit maintains its residence in my mouth.

My voice sounds like I am a 12-year-old with the worst speech impediment ever… which others apparently think is adorable that I now say Sank you instead of Thank you and Chiiiissssss instead of cheese.

People can’t understand me on the phone, and if I talk for too long in person I want to yell at them to leave me the hell alone and stop making me use my voice… don’t they know it hurts? But then they go away and I feel lonely. Vicious cycle.

It’s put me in a kind of extremely angry melodramatic mood where I want to pull the wings off of butterflies …. shred a teddy bear…. park in a handicap spot…. oh nevermind.

key music.... "I believe in miracles... you sexy thing..." you come here to me... yes you.... mmmmmm

Not only that, I find myself excessively angry at people eating around me. Really? You think you are such a badass because you can eat a double bacon cheeseburger? OH YEA? WELL….. WELL…. yea… you are kind of a badass. Can I lick the wrapper now please?

Are you laughing at me? You want some of this? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Punk.

See? I can’t even help it. I think you may be laughing at my predicament and I am ready to tear up your childhood teddy bear. Really. Go get him… you know he’s in your room somewhere. 

I’m dreaming in shades of “medium well” these days. All I can think about is food. Real food. French fries, salads, fried chicken, fajita beef, bagels, almonds, celery…. anything that doesn’t start with the words mashed… cream of something… or soup.  Brad Pitt has been replaced on the wall of my subconscious with this guy… but all I want is the steak. No… the steak. Yes. that one. Mmmmm.

see that crazy look in his eyes... yea, we aren't so different.... me and him.

This is what I will tell you though. My jaw surgery diet… works like a charm. The trick to losing weight… STOP EATING FOOD….DUH!!! and you too can lose 11 pounds in a week and a half, and keep it off!!!! Oh and when you feel hungry… just attack a teddy bear. Your body can actually survive on a milkshake for breakfast, a cup of apple sauce for lunch, and three smashed up ravioli’s with spaghetti sauce for dinner. Come on join me… the new fashion trend for spring 2012… we want to see your ribs!!!

*This diet is not recommended for anyone that already suffers from constant moodiness*