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If you don’t know by now, I lovingly refer to my children as my midgets (although they are quickly becoming my height). Tonight at dinner conversation was quite animated.

Faith, “Mom, I have a new boyfriend.”

Me….”You do? Why?”

Faith, “Because Brandon actually had the guts to walk up to me face to face and say he has liked me since first grade and then ask me to be his girlfriend. He didn’t have a friend ask me, or write me a lame note.”

Me….trying desperately to wrap my mind around whether or not I am actually approving of this forward little stalker that’s been following my daughter around for 2 years. Luckily Hailey stepped up to the plate.

Hailey, “Isn’t Brandon in 6th grade?”

I start choking on my drink and am trying desperately to cough and catch my breath as Faith saves me from surely dying from Coca Cola/shock/lack of oxygen to my brain.


I am so relieved that I ignore the retard comment, because I am kind of feeling like one for believing she knew a 6th grader there for a second… let alone had started dating one.

Then Hailey says, “Oh, guess what Dee-a-jah’s shirt said at school today!?”

I look over at my 11 year old 5th grader expecting something like, “Girls Rule…” oh no… I get blasted with a rap out of my daughter… and it goes like this….


1. What you feel when you see me because you can’t be me.

2. A feeling associated with me being prettier, trendier, funnier, and taller….and I always will be. The boys like me better. This includes your boyfriend. You know I am a threat, and it makes you sad.

3. Nothing you can do about it, some things are just meant to be. I’m fabulous and you’re not, sorry I know you can’t help it Now and Forever I will be A THREAT.

….Um….come again? That was on a 11 year old girls t-shirt?

Me…”When you go to school tomorrow, get Dee-A-Jah’s phone number.”

Hailey, “Okay…. why?”

Me mumbling… Because I need her address so I can BITCH SLAP her mother… in the face…. WITH A CHAIR.