I won’t stick a label on this post, just in case it rambles, rolls, and slides from topic to topic. Odds are high that it just might do exactly that. I’ve been going from day to day, yet it seems very difficult to actually wrap my mind completely around anything long enough to think it through. What I do keep coming back to is this… people are so uncertain. You never really know how someone is going to react in a situation no matter how much you think you know them. One day you’re their best friend, the next you may find out they’ve kept so many secrets that you really have never known them at all.
Sure the reality is that they were in the wrong, but what they have done to you runs deeper than that. They’ve created self doubt. If you didn’t know them as well as you thought you did… what else do you believe in that isn’t true? Are we all walking around in a watercolor painting? All it takes is someone throwing water at our life and everything fades? Everything changes? Ahhh things change so quickly.
I’m sitting at my desk, letting music flow through me, because it’s the one place I feel safe all the time. I have control over what song comes on next. I have control here.
Russell and I are having a house built right now… we’re working to rebuild our marriage. We’re working on rebuilding trust. But trust is such a tricky, tricky, tricky… thing. I stood there where the foundation of our house will be… and I wondered… will this foundation crumble? Will it fall apart? Will there be mercy on this home? Is building a house while the earth is shaking violently around you in every direction really a good idea? Will it last? Will it crumble to pieces around me? Around us?
I don’t want to give up. I want to fight. Something in this life has to be worth fighting for… and family is all I have found that is worth that. Yet as I look around me for survivors… they’ve all fallen to their own worlds. When I was a teenager there was a song called, “Where have all the cowboys gone?” I think it was by Paula Cole. I always liked it… but never really understood it. Lately, the song has been clear to me. Where have the men gone? The ones that will fight forever for what they love… there’s no end to it. No quit in it. No give up. No walk away.
I stare off… I want to work on my book, but all I can write currently is anger. I could give Stephen King a run for his money right now and create a psycho on paper that would keep you awake at night. A girl so sweet and innocent gone to the dark side. I see her in my mind. Or maybe in the mirror. She’s so angry. So I don’t write. I chop up the carrots and make dinner for the girls. I wash the dishes and put them away. But I don’t write. I don’t look in that mirror. I don’t turn out the light. I need the light. I’ve always needed it.