Words have been an escape for me throughout my lifetime. It seems now they’re all stuck in my mind. They are twisted around and the reality of setting them free seems quite a daunting task. Truth is, I am insanely upset lately. My parent’s splitting up is really messing with my mind in many ways. I was never under the impression that their relationship was perfect or flawless. I actually knew quite well that it wasn’t. It was a real relationship. Real fights, real loves, real children, and grandchildren, and money issues, and… and… and.
As a child I was taught that no matter what I did, where I was, how I messed up, that my parents would be there for me. Not independantly, but as a team.
I know you are all thinking, you’re a grown up now. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But it is. Because if their relationship can fail, one that lasted 32 years… what the fuck are the odds for the rest of us? The whole dynamic of our family is changed. Just like that. Just. Like. That. There will never be a Christmas at my parents house with all of my nieces and nephews running around. My father has taken that away from us. And from my children. And my sister’s children. They will never know what family means. What grandparents mean. Grandparents that stand together.
Do grandparents really split up? Is there no fucking safe zone ever? My mood is negative as of late. There’s a cloud hanging above my head. I am having a hard time finding the good in anything. I’m mad. I am mad that he promised to take care of my mother until death do they part… and well… they’re both alive still. Now she has what? A head full of memories of a family. Shattered memories that she isn’t sure were ever truly real.
She fought for you. I watched her. She cried for you. She loved you. 100% with all of her. Now you’ve moved on. No pause. No tears. No saddness. No mourning. New girlfriend, new friends, new house. Just walked away. No cleaning up the pieces or the mess.
No more family birthday parties, 4th of July’s in Florida with my whole family in tact, no more family. My family has dissolved. Just. Like. That. Gone. And I don’t know what to feel at all.