It’s been awhile since I sat and wrote. Mostly because every time I try to, the words do not flow. Not like they used to. Then when they do, they’re choking themselves out with questions and so much negativity that I feel I may bust just writing them all down.
This year has been…. whack.
Russell and I found ourselves at the make it work, or call it quits forever crossroads early on in the year. The strangest part of standing at that point was knowing that whichever way we chose, I loved him. And that wasn’t going away. So we kept fighting for us. Because when we are good, God it’s amazing. But when it hits its breaking points, it leaves scars.
Not long after we decided to take leaving off the table permantely. Forever. For always. For… ahh you get the picture. Anyway, I digress. Not long after we decided that, my parents seperated after 32 years. Then immediately following them splitting up my dad had a new girlfriend. My mom has always been one of the strongest, most independent people I knew, and it was like watching her plumit off of the Empire State Building (metaphorically). She crashed, while he went right on with his life, happy as a lark.
I questioned everything. There’s no way Russell and I will ever make it if my parents didn’t make it….right? Ahhh yes, I was in that pool of naive people that actually believed, “that won’t ever happen to them.” They’re happy. They’re forever. They’re for always.
But since enduring their divorce, I realized I had been living in a bubble, for a very long time. My judgments toward my step children, my curiousity to why my daughters have such a hard time making a permanent bond with their step father, it all comes into play. Apparently, it isn’t all about me. WTF.
Having a new woman in my dad’s life, I’ve been around her a few times… but I don’t care about her. I don’t know that I ever truly will give a damn. I’m glad he’s happy. But he destroyed our family. Our Christmases. Our lives, for himself. Survival mode kicks in, isn’t that the way we all are? Is it? I don’t know. I left my children’s father when they were tiny. Is that better? Is it different? Did I try as hard as I could? Would they be better off if they had grown up with both their parents?
Then I think of my step children. My step daughter was 13 when I met her. I thought she was an evil terror. But the truth is, she didn’t want to become attached to someone else that could be lost. Because it hurts. And it’s frustrating. And you don’t know how to define your loyalties. It wasn’t me. It was who I was. I see it differently now.
All of these circumstances and changes, they swirl through me. They change how I feel about things quickly, and without my realizing it. I wonder if Russell will be there down the road. I know he says he will. So did my dad. They’re not the same person. But history repeats itself. Learning how to just live in the now, is what I am focusing on. Forever seems a stupid word to me these days, and people that throw it out there make me want to scream. Don’t say you want to be with me forever. Tell me you want to be with me today. Tomorrow. And then live today so that I will be there tomorrow. Maybe that’s the trick?